Dear George Mallory,

I am writing to you at the suggestion of a friend. As a novice, I am about to depart on a very long, self-supported bicycle ride. My friend recommended I write to you and ask your advice on the subject. I hold my friends opinion very high as he has completed many successful versions of the journey I am about to undertake. Is there any advice you can throw my way?

Also, why should I take your advice anyway?

Frankly,
Anonymous Rider


Dear Anonymous: If that is your real name. Please take under advisement that a Man would never sign a letter to another Man, "Anonymous". If you were under my charge I'd have you horse-whipped for such a digression. In any event there are several key aspects to keep in mind when planning a long bicycle ride including the model of revolver one should carry. Are you planning on running into highway rogues or simple backcountry thugs? If highway thuggery is your main obstacle, we recommend carrying a 1918 Officer British Military-issue pistol of 38 caliber bore or larger. Should your route follow only backcountry roads, save weight and carry a 1932 32 caliber Double-barreled Derringer. A common thug can most always be quickly persuaded to seek his fortune from other sources when shot in the knee-cap at close range. [Note: use brass bullets as they tend to fly in a better line.] We have found that a whimpering knee-shot rascal tends to dampen the zeal of his mates and the whole matter is usually resolved with little fanfare in due time. Regarding cannibalism, only do so when your mate is clearly dead. It is in poor taste to dine on preachers, choir boys, and nuns, so refrain unless in dire straits.

Best regards,

Mallory