Dear Mallory:
I'm new to this sport of gravel bike racing and looking to add a new steed to my stable. Could you expound on the relative advantages of steel, aluminum, titanium, wood and carbon? I'm afraid you will just tell me to harden up and ride more, but any advice would be appreciated. Please don't spare me due to my femininity. I'm looking for a bit of a shortcut due to spending far too much of my training time wandering on foot. Someday I'd love to be competitive in these great races.
-Mary Henrietta Kingsley
Dear Madame Kingsley:
Go home, take stock, and support your family and country. The gravel road life is no life for a person of your abilities. Think of the great feminine role models of yesteryears and pursue a similar tract. The great patriot Betsy Ross, the artist extraordinaire Grandma Moses, the iconic outdoorswoman, Sarah Palin-these are the women to emulate.
Furthermore, you state in your correspondence that you are "afraid." I was confused by that word so I asked my man-servant for a translation. He explained that the word, "afraid" implies a fear of something or someone or a significant apprehension directed towards something or someone. Please forgive me, but this is a foreign word to me and my tribe for we do not feel "afraid." I have had men under my charge shackled, flogged, and the like for displaying less than manly characteristics under dangerous situations, but other than that I have no empathy for those who feel "afraid." I asked Ernest if he had ever been afraid and while he too was bemused by the term, he did admit to being "concerned" a time or two during the famous and decidedly epic voyage of the small lifeboat James Caird en-route to South Georgia.
If you must continue this folly, buy a steel frame from Three Stars Bicycles from St. Paul, MN. Carbon is a gateway drug leading to triathlons and titanium is too expensive.
Best Regards,
Mallory
I am with Sir Mallory in that more women should be like Ms. Palin.
Rick Perry